


quit smoking

by momorangie



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band)
Genre: I Don't Even Know, M/M, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 14:05:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17285474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momorangie/pseuds/momorangie
Summary: After breaking up 3 years ago, Yanjun invited Zhangjing for dinner. Would they end up inflicting more damage and pain to each other or sort things out to a better path?-In which Yanjun was the cigarette Zhangjing tried so hard to give up, what happens when he was offered another chance to smoke?





	quit smoking

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!!! this is rly messy lol i made this at 4am in the morning and i lowkey forced this out of me. its been long since i last wrote a fic so its kinda ugly so yeah.
> 
> i hope u enjoy Ɛ>

4:47PM

"Hey, are you free today?" 

I heard his voice as soon as he answered the call. I was surprised to hear Lin Yanjun's voice, because we haven't talked in awhile.

Without putting any thought into it, I said yes. It was him, afterall. Even though it had been a long time since we parted, I still felt like there wasn't any proper goodbye. I figured this was the best and earliest way I could talk to him.

Agreeing on the time and place, we settled for the local barbecue place downtown at 6PM. Whenever we eat when we were still together, we head there. They may not have the best barbecue in the country, but they contained most of the memories we have made together. 

Time passed and it was finally time to meet him, and it seems like I didn't want to go anymore.

Seeing Yanjun's penetrating gaze, deep dimples and warming smile, I don't think I can handle that.

Am I really ready to face him?

Huh, it feels funny that I was the one asking this question. I was the one who left him, after all.

Had I not broken up with him, we would still be together.

I went downtown, forcing myself to calm down.

'Calm down, It's just him. It's just Lin Yanjun. Nobody you haven't seen before. You don't need to be nervous.'

But . . . saying 'It's just him, just Lin Yanjun' didn't exactly help calm my nerves. Perhaps, that was the problem. It's Lin Yanjun. It's him. And, foolishly, even after a long time, the effect of his name hasn't changed or maybe even wavered.

*

When I arrived, I saw him patiently waiting for me. He was at our usual spot when we still came here, and it brought back thoughts and memories I had tried so hard to push away. 

One of the protruding memories was when I decided to tell him that I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to be his anymore. I wanted to give up, and he begged me so hard, so pitifully that I had almost forgotten what I talked about with myself before confronting him.

"Zhangjing . . . Please, please don't. Let's make this work." Yanjun kneeled before me, and I had never seen him look so desperate. "Please—just, just don't leave me. I'm begging you." 

I remember trying so hard not to look at his face. He was begging me, begging me not to leave him.

Closing my eyes, I try to remember why I'm here, breaking up with him. 

Oh, right.

He cheated on me twice. He prohibited me from seeing my other friends, basically making me stay with him 24/7. 

This was toxic. It was suffocating me too much.

I took a deep, shaky breath. "I—I'm sorry, Yanjun. But, I—" I chocked up on my sobs. "I can't do this . . . I can't do this anymore."

Realizing that I had been standing there, staring at his back, I slapped myself softly and forced myself to push those memories and thoughts to the back of my mind once again.

Yanjun wasn't doing anything but stare at the table, but he still didn't see me stop in front of him. 

Damn, that deep in thought?

Not letting time pass, I decided I would speak to get his attention.

"Hey." I casually said, and he quickly broke out of your trance. Our eyes met when he looked up at me, and everything that ever happened between us came flooding in my mind.

The eye contact wasn't even that long. It could've been a second or two, but I still felt the intensity and emotions within those seconds. How is it that he still has this effect on me?

Lin Yanjun, what have you done to me?

He smiled at me. "You Zhangjing! How have you been? It's been so long since I've seen you!" Yanjun said, his voice as sweet as honey. "Take a seat."

As opposed to what his eyes are saying, his voice waa bubbly and full of life. 

"Oh, thanks. It has been a long time." I say as I cautiously take a seat. I don't even know why I'm doing that. "I'm good. What about you? How are you?"

"Good! I'm feeling good and well rested. I'm happy." He replied to me, and I didn't know what to say other than "Oh, that's nice. I'm happy for you."

When did we become so awkward with each other?

The awkwardness was floating around the air.

"So . . ." Lin Yanjun started off, "If you don't mind, I already ordered for you." 

Oh. "It's fine."

He nodded and continued speaking. "Uhm, I'm sorry if I disturbed you today. It's just that I really wanted to eat out with a friend."

Ah, the usual Lin Yanjun. Always thinking he's a disturbance. 

And I took note that this is nothing special. He didn't invite me because he wanted to see me. He just wanted to eat out with a 'friend', and that could've been anybody else.

"It's fine, it's okay. It's been a long time since I ate out so I agreed to go, and you didn't disturb me so don't worry about it." Saying these assuring words, he relaxed his shoulders that I didn't even noticed were tensed.

Was he that anxious about that?

Lin Yanjun nodded and smiled. "That's good to hear."

After a few minutes, the food came and we started eating. It was only after a while that we started to be a little more laid back and relaxed, just like the old times.

We talked about a lot of things, like how things were going on with our careers and what we do on our spare time.

"Do you still sing?" He asked me, curiosity laced in his voice.

Oh. About that, I was so set on forgetting him that I kept on accepting offers of bars and on being a wedding singer. It was a really bitter experience, seeing those people get their happy ending while I was going through the worst times of my life. 

The love songs' lyrics tasted bitter in my mouth. It felt so unreal, so fake. Yet I had nothing better to do, so I was stuck with that.

"Oh, yeah. I still sing at bars and weddings. I recently sang at Xukun and Zhengting's." I said, excluding the part that I remember him everytime I sing, thinking about how things would turn out if I hadn't broken up witb him. Would we be married by now?

Big things could happen in three years.

Yanjun nodded, eating the last piece of meat. "That's nice. I can't believe they were the end game for each other." He swallowed before continuing. "They were really messy with the Ziyi-Xukun-Zhengting drama when we were sti—" Yanjun stopped and realized what he was going to say.

"When we were still together." I completed his sentence, showing him that I wasn't affected. 

He nodded. "Yeah, I . . . I'm glad they settled down."

The three of them were our close friends from a long time ago. But, of course, me and Yanjun met way before. We were the one who introduced them to each other, afterall.

"Yeah, me too." I told him. 

We went silent for a second until Yanjun spoke up again.

"Hey, do you want to drink?" He asked me, glancing at the table beside us. They were drinking alcohol, and I started to want to drink alcohol too.

I nodded and chuckled softly, "Was it because of the people beside us? But, yes, sure, if you want to."

And so we ordered alcohol.

Continuing our topic from dinner, we drank to our hearts' content.

It wasn't long enough before we ran out of topics to discuss.

Silence took over the table, and the lively atmosphere was quickly replaced with gloom.

I looked at him. He was bowing down, his black hair on display. At that moment, I knew he was almost drunk.

Yanjun has always been a light weight when it comes to drinking.

I drank my glass of alcohol and let myself bask in the silence.

"Hey," He suddenly said, getting my attention.

I only gave him a questioning look, urging him to continue speaking.

I saw him swallow the lump in his throat and frown. "You know, Zhangjing . . . I was lying went I told you I was happy."

Not knowing what to say, I stayed silent and let him speak. 

"My heart is hurting so much and my mind keeps on overthinking everything." At this point, the tears were starting to fall from his eyes. 

Ah, Lin Yanjun . . . Please don't cry, my heart can't take the sight of you crying from so much pain in your heart.

"This," He pointed at his heart. "It's been going through a lot, and it's hurting so bad." Yanjun said in between sobs. "It's been like this since the day you left, Zhangjing. For three years and a week now, It's been empty . . . cold and filled with guilt. I—I just want the sadness and pain to be gone."

His tears were streaming down his face, onto his shirt, making it a darker shade of grey. With all his tears, the cloth was becoming more and more damp. 

Seeing him cry, it felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in the chest.

Is this my punishment for leaving him?

Seeing him cry was the most painful thing I have ever seen in my life. I didn't want to see him hurting and crying, and I wanted to comfort him. 

Oh, Lin Yanjun.

I wanted to say something to you.

But it felt so wrong.

Do I even have the right to encourage you? When it was me who caused your heartache?

I didn't know what to do.

It was like looking at the mirror a few months back, a few weeks back.

This was me, crying over you.

Crying until my eyes went puffy and red.

Crying until there were no more tears left to cry.

Crying until my heart felt tired.

Maybe this is still me, up until now.

Because you were much like smoking a cigarette.

You were addictingly tasteful and satisfying, but you were intoxicating and dangerous.

Loving you was a dangerous gamble. I didn't know what I got myself into, but I still gave my all and left nothing for myself.

I knew it was an unhealthy addiction being in love with you.

All the hurt you gave me, all the sadness you caused me . . . but it was still difficult to give you up.

You were the unhealthy cigarette I tried so hard to give up.

I knew we were in an unhealthy and toxic relationship, but it was still hard to let you go.

So it was so hard for me to not stay, to not say yes to your plea for me to give you another chance, to try 'us' once again.

But it had to stop.

It took a while, but I decided I had to quit smoking.

It was gratifying, but it was unhealthy. So even if I get happiness off of smoking cigarettes, I knew that I was slowly destroying myself.

You were my cigarette, Yanjun.

And I let go of the cigarette, hoping that everything will suddenly get better.

But after giving up smoking, I caught sorrow instead.

Now it has been three years since I gave up, three years since I went to rehabilitation process, and I slowly lost the urge to smoke.

I slowly lost the urge to yearn for you.

Or could it be that I just forced myself to feel that way?

But it was so unfair that, right now, I am being offered a lit cigarette, asking 'Don't you want to taste it again?'.

Don't I want to feel your touch again? Don't I want to feel your hand enveloping me into a warm embrace, letting me feel at home more than any house did?

It was so unfair that I was so close to being cured, to being okay, and now I'm going back to square one.

Because you were too intoxicating. Too tempting. Too addicting.

And looking at you now, I feel tempted to go back to smoking.

I smell and see the smoke rising to the top, I hear the dragging of the cigarette.

It was the sense of familiarity.

The sense of familiarity I always get whenever I'm with you.

I became so accustomed with you being around that I become helpless once you were gone.

Now that I smell your cologne, hear your voice and see your face, I wanted to go back to being yours.

But I know in my heart that it's not healthy anymore. So I stopped myself.

With all the thoughts running through my mind, all the words I wanted to say, all the tears I wanted to cry, I only said two word:

"I'm sorry." I told him. I didn't even realize that I was crying until now. "I'm so sorry, Yanjun. I really am."

You shake your head and let out a bitter laugh. "I should be the one saying sorry. I put you in such a difficult position, and I didn't give you enough choices. You were stuck in between, and I only cared about myself. I was selfish enough to inflict emotional pain to you. I'm so sorry, Zhangjing."

"The injuries and pain can't be blamed to you. There isn't anybody to blame for these injuries." I gave him a smile of certainty, even though I was uncertain about everything that was happening. 

Yanjun broke down, covering his face with his hands, but his muffled voice can still be heard ."I'm so sorry . . . I'm so sorry for hurting the man I loved the most."

"Yanjun, I've never been resentful towards you. Yes, you made big mistakes, but I made some big mistakes in my life too. You don't deserve to beat yourself up from a thing that happened three years ago."

Yanjun shook his head and sighed. "But those mistakes came with 12 years of friendship and love, Zhangjing. I lost too much while trying to gain something." 

Once again, he took a deep breath.

"So, please, Zhangjing . . . Can we please try and start again?"

**Author's Note:**

> i hope u enjoyed uwu it is obv inspired by Legend Li Ronghao's Quit Smoking 
> 
> i know its ugly!!!! so yeah maybe drop a few comments of (constructive) criticism so i could improve my writing. 💖
> 
> you can also reach me at my twitter account @95yanjuns ayeee


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